Grief and Your Health

1. Express Grief

   • Death is always accompanied by feelings of loss that need to be expressed. A funeral provides a safe environment for you to express your grief. My mother died when I was eleven. A well-meaning but misguided relative told me not to cry. But grief, that is not expressed, is suppressed. And suppressed grief may result in serious physical, mental and emotional difficulties. Fortunately for me, I did cry.

     When your body is tired, it sends an internal message that you need sleep. Similarly, when death occurs, your inner signals tell you it's time to grieve. You may go into a state of shock because the pain of loss is so overwhelming. A funeral acts as a shock absorber, cushioning the blow and preventing immobilization.

2. Share Sadness

   • The biblical writer of Ecclesiastes reminds us of an important life principle: "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance."

     A funeral provides an opportunity for relatives and friends to comfort and support you when it's your "time to mourn". By attending the service, they share your sadness. You give them the chance to express their pain and loss, and enable them to share with you their feelings of grief in a simple and direct way.

3. Give Thanks

   • A funeral is a special time for remembering. It's an occasion for giving thanks for a person's life. It celebrates a person's contribution and meaning to family and friends, neighbors, work associates and the community. There is tremendous healing power in remembering. A funeral is a time for telling stories about tragedies and triumphs. It's a time for sharing humorous anecdotes, as the six hundred attendees at comedian John Candy's service in Toronto did.

     Family members who have delivered eulogies have told me that collecting and presenting their thoughts was very therapeutic. It helped them grieve. I especially recall one by a woman who presented the eulogy to her father in the form of a letter. The shortest eulogy was given by a man who said that because his brother was a man of few words, he just wanted to say, "Thanks."

4. Mark a Passage

   • We conduct ceremonies to mark the passages in our lives. Ceremonies celebrate a beginning like a birthday, signify a turning point like a wedding anniversary, recognize an achievement like a graduation, and observe religious traditions like baptism and confirmation. Even the opening of the baseball season has a celebratory first pitch.

     A funeral marks a significant passage from life with, to life without, another person. We pause to mark the transition in appropriate style. A funeral signals the beginning of a new reality and its formality can be very beneficial in the early days of bereavement.

5. Face Reality

   • Your new reality. A funeral may be the first step in the long gradual process of recovery. Life does go on. No matter how prepared you are for a loved one's death, sometimes recognizing that death has actually taken place is delayed. I know a woman who still sets a place at the dinner table for her husband, even though he's been dead for almost seven years. Death for the survivors is painful. Accepting that life will never be the same, adjusting to your new reality, is difficult in our death-denying culture. It is, however, absolutely essential in the grieving process.

     Not grieving is harmful to your health. So take time to mourn when your loved one dies. A funeral definitely helps you grieve.

The Reverend Dr. Phil Johnson is a minister and the author of "Goodbye Mom, Goodbye", and "Time-Out! Restoring Your Passion for Life, Love and Work".